I Don't Want to Live Without You: Jared's Hell
by Dr. Sexy M.D
Summary: J2! A companion piece to Jensen's Hell, written for loveshj! Thanks for the idea! Written about the emotions that Jared goes through during NRFTW and how they deal with that. Hurt/Comfort mainly. Rated M for language, but pretty much smut-less!


J2! A companion piece to Jensen's Hell, written for loveshj! Thanks for the idea! Written about the emotions that Jared goes through during NRFTW and how they deal with that. Hurt/Comfort mainly. Rated M for language, but pretty much smut-less!

I'm sorry for all the problems I've had with this story. For some reason it would not post properly. Hope you like it once you get a chance to actually read it! :) Thanks! Feedback is my chocolate!

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><p>I Don't Want to Live Without You: Jared's Hell<p>

He was alright through the majority of the episode. He was able to remind himself that it was just a show, it wasn't real; that Jensen wasn't really going to be killed by hellhounds. He knew it; it was ingrained in his head. These were facts that he'd been chanting over and over again since he read the script for this episode. He knew what was to come, he knew it was going to be hard to do, but he also knew that he was going to be strong and merely focus on Sam and Dean. This wasn't going to be his pain; _his_ worst fear coming true…this was Sam's.

But, something happened when they were filming the episode that broke down all that he had mentally prepared for. It wasn't Dean racing through the woods, or him having nightmares, it wasn't even when the damn hellhounds attacked him. It wasn't seeing Jensen lying there, bloody and broken (albeit with make-up and prosthetics) and it wasn't even when he was crying and pleading for Dean not to be dead. For some reason those things were alright. Sure, it had been difficult and he had become emotional…for Sam…but what got him was that last shot. It was their last shooting day before the end of the season. Because of the writer's strike they didn't even know if they were going to be coming back or not and he realized that they wanted to go big or go home in the event that they didn't get picked up for season four…but that last shot did something to Jared.

He hadn't even needed to be there. He wasn't in the scene, he could've stayed home and played with Harley and Sadie, but he wasn't that smart. Jensen had told him to stay home, told him that this shot was going to be difficult and maybe a little bit physically painful. He didn't want Jared there to have to endure watching him like that, but Jared didn't listen. Jensen was the love of his life, his boyfriend, even if nobody was supposed to know. Even if they had to hide their feelings for each other, they were still there. He wanted to be supportive, be there for Jensen if he was going to be experiencing pain. He wanted to give Jensen something pleasant to focus on to help him get through it. He was trying to be a good boyfriend. Also, because they didn't know if they were getting picked up or not he really wanted to be there for that scene. It could've been their last scene ever on Supernatural and it meant a lot to him to be there.

Jared watched as they strapped Jensen up on meat hooks, his hands and legs completely bound and his body suspended by wires. It looked painful, even though he knew the blood wasn't real and the hooks weren't really going into his skin. Jensen looked really uncomfortable. He swallowed down the bile that was rising in his throat…before the fucking scene had even started. He was sure it wasn't going to be as bad as Jensen feared. He was sure that Jensen was underestimating him as an actor. He was sure that if he could actually get through the actual dying scene and not go into hysterics, that he could handle anything.

But, as Jensen clearly pointed out, Jared had been through many trial runs of Dean's death during the Mystery Spot episode. But, Jared had never witnessed Dean in hell before.

Of course Jensen would have to turn out to be right.

He tried to hide his face from Jensen's view as he watched the love of his life screaming for help, for Sam. He didn't want Jensen to lock eyes with him and realize that Jared was blubbering like a baby and shaking…he didn't think it would help Jensen stay focused on Dean and the scene at hand.

When the directors yelled cut and said that they wanted to try the scene again from a different angle, Jared knew he had to leave. He couldn't see this again…how could he watch his boyfriend in hell and not be rocked to his core. He knew it wasn't real…hell, Jensen was in front of a green screen for crying out loud, but Jensen was just that good. Everything he did was so real, so authentic, that Jared just felt like he was in hell. Because of his feelings for Jensen and their relationship, sometimes it was hard to distinguish between Jensen and Dean. This was a Dean moment, but for Jared it was all about Jensen.

All Jared could think about was what if Jensen really did go to hell? He couldn't believe that beautiful, amazing man could ever end up there, but what if he did? What if he had made a deal to save Jared's life? How would that have felt? Jared didn't feel like there was a point in living if he had to do it without Jensen. He'd never felt this way about anyone before…it scared the holy crap right out of him.

He tried so hard to focus on the fact that Jensen wasn't really going to hell, that this was just a show. This was Dean…it wasn't real. He went to Jensen's trailer and just sat there, looking around at Jensen's stuff. He could smell Jensen everywhere; it was almost like his damn ghost was haunting him. It was stupid and Jared knew it; Jensen's smell was in there because Jensen had just been in there a little over an hour ago.

He looked around at Jensen's pictures, trying to remind himself that when this scene was all over he would be able to hug and kiss the crap out of his boyfriend before celebrating at the end of the season party. He felt like that party might have been the party to end all others too, because it might've been the last one. Looking at the picture of he and Jensen with their arms wrapped around each other and smiling like they didn't have a care in the world should've made him feel better…it should've reminded him of all that he had, but all it did was make him mourn even more.

Jared felt stifled. He needed to get out, but where was he going to go? It was cold out; it was Canada for crying out loud. On top of that he was determined to stay until he could see Jensen was okay again. But, he couldn't just hang around in Jensen's trailer where all those memories were. This was the place where they'd first kissed…where they'd first made love. The only other place Jared could really go was to set and that wasn't an option. Just thinking about that brought a wave of intense nausea to his stomach and Jared doubled over in pain.

Jared barely got to the tiny bathroom before he emptied the contents of his stomach over and over again into that porcelain throne. Coming to set had been the worst fucking idea he ever had.

He could remember during the previous season finale when Jensen had been pretty much hysterical and he had been able to calm him, but that had been different. Even Jensen hadn't been this bad.

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><p>When Jensen was finished with his scene and the hooks and prosthetics had been removed he took off. He wanted to book it from the moment they yelled cut, but he didn't want Jared to have to see him with the evidence of the scene still on his body.<p>

Jensen had barely kept it together, knowing full well that Jared must've been a complete basket case to leave the set after he'd been so dead set to be there in the first place.

Jensen went to his trailer, the most logical place for his boyfriend to be hanging out. He almost didn't see him at first, until he smelled something foul coming from the bathroom. Then he charged in there like gangbusters, throwing the door open and spotting Jared curled up in the fetal position, still heaving.

Oh fuck. This was worse than he could've even imagined. "Jared! Oh no, Jared, baby." He picked Jared's head up off the floor and placed it in his lap. He didn't care if he got messy or he smelled afterwards, he just needed to comfort his lover. "I'm here, baby, I'm right here." He lovingly ran his hands through Jared's wet mess of sweaty hair. "You're okay, you're okay."

Jared's tears were overflowing and he couldn't find his voice. He was pretty sure he'd actually thrown up his voice box along the way.

Jensen didn't know that to do exactly. He left Jared alone for a couple minutes, just long enough to flush the toilet and quickly clean up the floor. Then he removed Jared's clothing along with his own and propped him up in the shower.

Jensen cleaned the devastated man thoroughly, not wanting Jared to have to smell himself and remember what had happened. He wanted Jared to get better…right way.

Once Jared was clean, Jensen got him out of the shower and wrapped his shivering body in a towel. "Jared, baby, you've gotta calm down. I don't want you to go into shock." Jensen took Jared's face in his hands, "It wasn't real. I didn't die. I'm right here…touch me, feel me." Jensen said, while placing Jared's hand against his own firm chest.

Jared's hand began to move, lightly caressing the hard flesh of Jensen's abdomen. It was a wonderful, safe feeling. Jared could almost get lost doing that.

"I love you, Jay." Jensen told him, peppering kisses all over his face and neck. "Love you so much."

Jared seemed to breathe for almost the first time since Jensen had found him, "Love you too." Jared found a little strength within his weak frame and grasped onto Jensen as hard as he could.

"That's it, baby. You're okay and I'm okay." Jensen got him dry and then dried himself off. He found them some clothes to wear, not really caring how short his own pants would be on his boyfriend. He also didn't care what anyone said or thought of the whole thing. He didn't even care if anyone found out what had happened. Right then all he cared about was making Jared be okay again. "We need to get you hydrated. Don't want you to get worse, Jay." He pulled a bottle of water from his refrigerator and handed it to Jared. "Please, drink that."

Jared didn't care about drinking. All he wanted was to hold Jensen, to love him, to know that he was really there and alright. But, he took the drink anyway, gulping it down. He was surprised at how thirsty he was. He hadn't realized he was so thirsty.

"Easy, easy." Jensen said. "Just go slowly, don't want to get sick again."

Jared set the bottle down and looked at Jensen, "Thanks for taking care of me."

Jensen smiled, reaching out to stroke at the stubble that had already started to form on Jared's chin, "I'll always take care of you."

"Promise you'll never leave me."

Jensen frowned, "I can't promise that I'll live forever, but I can promise that I'll do all that I can to be here with you as long as possible."

"I don't want to live if you're not here." Jared bit his lower lip to keep himself from crying once again.

Jensen drew in his breath and forced himself not to cry too. He didn't want to make things worse for Jared. He went to him, holding Jared's body against his own, "I feel the same way. That's how I felt last year during the season finale. But, you were there to make me feel better, you were there for me. We're going to be okay, Jay. We've got each other for a long time…let's not worry about things that aren't happening right now. Sam and Dean may die a lot…particularly Dean…but we're fine. We don't live in their world, thank God."

Jared nodded, "You're right. I'm okay, I'm okay."

"That's right. You want something to eat? I think I've got some breakfast bars or something around here somewhere."

"I'll get something to eat after."

"After what?" Jensen asked.

"After I make love to you, Jen. I need to feel you against me. Want it so bad." Jared gave Jensen that puppy dog look and Jensen just melted into a pile of goo on the floor.

"Anything you want." Jensen wrapped his finger around the elastic waist of the sweats he'd found for Jared and pulled him towards the couch, where they proceeded to make love for at least an hour…until they were both sweaty and stinky and in desperate need of another shower.

Jared smiled as Jensen led him back to the bathroom, knowing that things were going to be alright. No matter what happened – whether the show ended or they missed the party or whatever –things would be fine, they would be better than fine, because every moment with Jensen was perfect. Neither one of them cared whether they ever left that trailer at all.


End file.
